Confessions of an Awkward Penguin
I have intense social anxiety.
I feel extreme discomfort when I am in a situation where I may have to interact with other people: grocery shopping; driving in traffic; going to the movies; even talking on the phone. My heart races, my hands get sweaty, and my head starts pounding. I can do pretty well with people or places I have known for a long time, but I am awful with new people and new situations.
If you know me personally, you are probably reading this right now, smirking and saying to yourself, “yea, right.” Remember when we worked together and I didn’t say a word to you for the first few months? You probably though I was a jerk or that I hated you because I’d never speak or make eye contact. I’m sorry about that. I did like you, I just couldn’t figure out how to say it. How about the time we worked retail together and you thought I was just avoiding work? Sorry about that, too. I was having panic attacks in the bathroom from all the customers.
Have you ever tried calling me? I never pick up because I won’t know what to say. Sent me a text? Even easier to pretend I didn’t get it. If you invite me somewhere and I decline, it’s not that I don’t want to go (I really do), I just wouldn’t know what to do once I got there.
The fact that I work from home only serves to exacerbate the problem. I do leave the house (once a week) and I talk to friends (indirectly over Facebook or Twitter). At least I shower daily.
I have no reason to act the way I do. I know I’m awesome. I know other people think I’m awesome. I am constantly reminded of all the people whose respect and admiration I have earned.
So why, then, am I so afraid?
I know that the only way I can fix this is by throwing my brain into a chokehold of anxiety until it cries “uncle”. There are so many things I know I can accomplish, and I am holding myself back. I hope, by putting this out here for everyone to see, that it will be harder to find reasons to close myself off.
The next time I give an excuse to not be social, call me out.
